wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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