My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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