I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize