the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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