I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize