Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
