I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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