I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
