I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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