I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
