Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
