I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize