I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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