I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
