god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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