I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Houston, we have a blender
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have already put on my inside pants.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
