Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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