why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
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