White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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