So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
