just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
