her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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