They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
