all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
All the doctor said was why
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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