I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
