I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
