Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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