last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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