yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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