Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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