The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
