Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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