Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
