i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
