you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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