her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
