Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
