When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
