lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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