I can tuck mytits in my pants
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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