Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize