Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
