You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
