I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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