Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
