Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
