I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
im six kinds of drunk right now
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
