The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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