My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
