I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
