he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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