i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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