you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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