Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize