can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He better not be in your backpack
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
