the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
