It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
