i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
